Playing the 2006 NBA Draft Board for Laughs

Because I hate to waste things, here’s a mock draft that someone asked me for and then apparently decided not to use. Feel free not to click the “more” link and just assume that it is a devastatingly accurate and funny look at the draft

My bad as Nate pointed out below, SLAMOnline did run the mock draft. I should have more faith in people. I see we all chose Bargnani and Aldridge 1-2. I’m guessing they’re both right on Roy going earlier. Probably on any other cases where we disagree (except for the tumble of Redick).

1. Raptors
This draft is absolutely loaded with power forwards and the Raps have a nice little player called Chris Bosh. My gut instinct is that they trade the pick (my spleen and 50% of my large intestine are praying like anything that they trade it to jersey for Vince Carter but that’s probably too much to ask). Barring a trade, I think they go with what they know and select Andrea Bargnani.

2. Bulls
I’m assuming they call Isiah to see if he has any additional picks he’d like to part with for whatever lurks at the far end of their bench. Then they defy everyone and select LaMarcus Aldridge.

3. Charlotte
MJ is in the house and the Bobcats need a high flyer. Somehow, the coaching staff manages to put a body on MJ (who rightfully sees that Rudy Gay is the next ultra-sick dunkmaster) and get in the pick for Tyrus Thomas. Years later, everyone involved says “If we’d only listed to Jordan…” (the first and last time those words are ever uttered in the context of a draft)

4. Portland
4 picks and JJ Redick is still on the board?? Even though he’s a huge fit for the Blazers, I think that Nate McMillan is looking for a sobering influence. Since Tim Duncan is long gone, the next best thing to do is to draft Shelden Williams and then start laughing maniacally at both Zach Randolph and the Hawks.

5. Atlanta
Already made fun of them, they’re mad and they draft the largest thing they can find: 7′ tall, 250# Patrick O’Bryant.

6. Minny
Randy Foye looks like he will take a long time (if ever) to become a good point guard. That’s all Kevin McHale needs to hear.

7. Boston
With several solid drafts in a row, Boston just needs someone old enough to buy beer. Redick shows his ID but it’s probably fake, so they select Adam Morrison … the mustache makes him look older.

8. Houston
They wanted a guard, but there’s Rudy Gay just lying there.

9. Golden State
Golden State? Who cares? Let’s cut to a disconsolate JJ Redick – hey, don’t cry on the suit man. Golden State – you’re still on the clock. How about Oleksiy Pecherov? That should be hard to pronounce.

10. Seattle
They really, really, really wanted a project center. This “no high schoolers” thing cuts them the deepest. They retaliate by selecting Brandon Roy.

11. Orlando
Are we there yet? Not yet, kids, but wave to Darko. The Magic are set up front, so (after teasing Redick) they decide to grab themselves a circus guy in Rodney Carney. (get it? Carney? Circus? Try the veal).

12. New Oklahoma
With two of the next four picks, they’re just hoping to ruin someone’s evening. They notch a double-double by passing on a now sobbing Redick and then stealing Cedric Simmons from Utah.

13. Philly
Confession: I have grave doubts if Philadelphia should even still be IN the NBA. Their selection of MSU’s Shannon Brown makes me feel a little warmer to them. A little.

14. Utah
AK-47 has the best “deal” in all of sports … unless you count the deal Wilt had. Seriously, tabloids, I don’t care what it says on Kirilenko’s hall pass – the dude cannot stay healthy. That’s all the Jazz need to reach for Shawne Williams.

15. New Okleans
Confession: I have never watched a full game in which the Oklahornets appeared. I have no idea if Mouhamed Saer Sene is a fit for them. They will draft him though.

16. Chicago
Already? I’m calling for a sign-and-trade with Detroit for Ben Wallace, this pick and Aldridge. Nah. Just kidding. They select Mardy Collins.

17. Indiana
Why did I agree to do this? Redick asks himself the same thing. Indy looks at him and sees Reggie Miller. Then they rub there eyes and its a smaller, less athletic and less exciting Ron Artest. They need a PG and even though Jordan Farmar spells his name funny and don’t look like no farmer Larry’s ever seen, they pick him.

18. Washington
Agent 0 is unhappy, and the Wiz don’t want to make him any unhappier on the theory that if they keep quiet, he may forget the whole thing. In a whisper, they select Ronnie Brewer.

19. Sacramento
The Kings have needs. Since team psychologist isn’t a position you fill through the draft, look for them to start with Rajon Rondo.

20. Knicks
Quick, what’s the fastest falling object in the Big Apple? It’s either the 2007 Knicks ticket price or JJ Redick. Assuming Isiah hasn’t swapped the pick for some magic beans, he avoids the obvious error of selecting 6′ PG Dee Brown and goes for the nearly as obvious one of picking Maurice Ager.

21. Phoenix
As the first of the teams who aren’t drafting on immediate need, the Suns have the luxury of selecting a project player who could take years to develop. Wait. What’s that Amare? Feeling a slight twinge? On second thought, the Suns select Hilton Armstrong.

22. New Jersey
With the first of 2 picks, the Nets pass on a chance to rescue Redick from a lifetime of therapy, pass on the buttery hands of Alexander Johnson and make whoever is in the booth very happy by choosing Kevin Pittsnogle. Pittsnogle … say it … it’s fun.

23. New Jersey
Kidd is aging and the Nets need a PG to begin to learn from the master. Insert tastless comments on things Kidd is a master of here and then select Marcus Williams.

24. Memphis
Apparently the Logo didn’t get the memo that Redick was to slide to provide comic relief. A shot of Redick already half in the bag via camera phone from the nearest bar is still worth a laugh (and 137 comments on Deadspin).

25. Cleveland
The Cavs are sorely tempted to select yet another guy to stand on the perimeter and watch LeBron. Someone with sense makes a plea for Thabo Sefolosha. Strangely enough, the Cavs listen.

26. Lakers
The Zenmaster is quick to remind us that LA doesn’t have needs – just limitless oceans of possibilities. To fill one of those oceans, the Lakers select Quincy Douby.
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27. Phoenix
Steve Nash will not win MVP forever – wait, Stern is on the line. My bad. Nash actually WILL win MVP forever to save on engraving costs. To give Nash a rest every so often, the Suns pick Kyle Lowry.

28. Dallas
The Mavs came within a heartbeat of coming fairly close to coming within a country mile of the NBA championship. That has nothing to do with their selection of Josh Boone.

29. Knicks
I’m tired and I can’t think of any more jokes about the Knicks. Wait. What’s the difference between James Dolan and the owner of a successful NBA franchise? James Dolan! Don’t worry, Dolan didn’t laugh either when I told it to him. The Knicks select James White.

30. Blazers
I already did the joke about character, so I’ll just give my alma mater yet another first round domination and select Paul Davis.

2 thoughts on “Playing the 2006 NBA Draft Board for Laughs

  1. Nate says:

    Actually, I just read this article over at SLAM, so they did use it. Here’s the link: http://slamonline.com/day/06282006/
    Good call on JJ.

  2. Funny rundown, especially the Phil Jackson line.

    I don’t know about you, but doing a mock draft is hard to do. Good stuff!

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